Always You Read online

  Two weeks before graduation, Matt took Anna out to dinner and proposed, offering her a one-third-carat diamond solitaire engagement ring. It had taken him eight months and two jobs to save up for it, but when he showed it to her, her eyes filled with tears.

  “Tell me those are happy tears,” Matt said, giving a nervous laugh.

  Her blue eyes rose to his and he knew.

  He set the ring on the table. “Anna?”

  She shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “You can’t marry me? Why not?”

  “I don’t want to get married.”

  “To me?”

  “To anybody.”

  He blinked in shock. “Since when?”

  Her chin quivered. “I know we discussed marriage, but every time the subject came up, I started to panic. I thought it was because I’ve been so focused on school and worried about my grades. I was sure after everything died down, I’d want to get married after we graduated. But the closer we’ve gotten to graduation…” She paused as tears filled her eyes. “I love you, Matt. I love you so much, but I don’t want to get married.”

  He stared at her in disbelief. This was like his worst nightmare come true. “I don’t expect us to get married right away, Anna. Hell, you haven’t even gotten a job yet.”

  “I have,” she whispered, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

  He sat back in his seat, feeling gutted. “You took a job? Without telling me?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “You mean like you’re doing now?”

  Her top teeth scraped her bottom lip. “I’m sorry.”

  The silence hung between them, and he asked in a raspy voice, “Where are you going?”

  “London.”

  “England?”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “So we’re over just like that?” he asked in dismay.

  “We can still see each other.” She sounded so hopeful, he almost believed it was possible.

  But while Kevin and Tyler might have accused him of being the romantic of the trio, he could also be a realist. “How long are you planning to stay in London?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe a year. Maybe five.”

  Just like that, Matt’s whole life had been shattered to bits. His dream was to return home to run his father’s construction business, to settle down and start a family. With Anna. “You want me to wait five years. Then you’ll be ready to get married and have a family?”

  Tears filled her eyes. “No. That’s not what I want. I want a career in international finance…and, Matt, I don’t think I want kids.”

  His gaze drifted around the restaurant as he tried to make sense of what was happening. They’d never discussed when or how many kids they planned, but he’d made no secret that he saw kids in his future. He turned to her with a sad smile. “But I do.”

  She started to silently cry. “I know.”

  He flagged the waitress and asked for the check. The ring lay on the white tablecloth, mocking him. How had he gotten it so wrong? She’d talked about a future…with him. Had she lied to him? Changed her mind? No matter the reason, he felt like a fool. He wanted to spew hateful, accusatory words at her, but he couldn’t. She’d ripped his heart to pieces, but he still loved her.

  The moment the waitress placed the black folder on the table, he grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket. He started to remove his credit card, then changed his mind. It would be torture to stay there, stuck in the middle of this humiliating moment, any longer than necessary. He tossed down all the cash in his wallet, thankful he had enough to cover the meal and a generous tip since he didn’t want to wait for the change.

  Then he stood, barely able to look at Anna.

  “Matt,” she said, her voice breaking, “the ring.”

  It still sat there on the table, glittering in the candlelight, mocking him. It represented his hopes and dreams. The life he had imagined with Anna. “Leave it. I don’t want it.”

  Better to leave it on the table along with his bloodied heart.

  She called out to him, but he ignored her and headed toward the door, leaving her to follow. He got six feet before stopping. His father had taught him better than that. Turning slightly, he waited for her to catch up and then walked slightly behind her to the exit, pushing the door open so she could walk out into the warm April night.

  They were silent during the ten-minute drive to her apartment. He pulled into a parking spot and Anna had the door open before he turned off the engine. But he climbed out and quickly caught up to her.

  She turned to look up at him, pain in her eyes. “Matt. You don’t have to—”

  “I’m walking you to your door.” His tone was rough and brooked no argument.

  She started to protest then stopped. Hanging her head with defeat, she continued walking up the steps to her second-floor apartment and stopping outside her door. After she unlocked the door, she spun and wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his.

  This was good-bye.

  Her tears coated his cheeks, and he knew if he stayed a second longer, his own tears would be added to hers. Grabbing her hands, he slowly pulled them down and took a step back.

  “Good-bye, Anna. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  * * *

  Anna gasped and took a step back, stumbling into a small child behind her, but she righted herself—only for her three-inch stilettos to sink into the ground again. She should just take them off, but then her feet would freeze. However, at the moment, she had something bigger to deal with.

  Get a grip.

  It had been hard enough coming home for the first time since her mother’s funeral, and she’d known full well she might run into Matt, but the chances had seemed slim. Over fifty thousand residents lived in the suburb, so it should have been easy to get lost in it. Even so, she’d envisioned running into him at the grocery store. At the movies. Or maybe at Quick Trip while pumping gas. She’d never once pictured him as her son’s soccer coach.

  He sat up, staring at her like he was seeing the Ghost of Christmas Past, but why wouldn’t he? As far as he was concerned, she was.

  He got to his feet, blinking and shaking his head slightly. “Okay. Who kicked that? Remy?” he asked, scanning the children crowding around him.

  One of the boys hung his head, his chin touching his chest, and mumbled, “Sorry, Coach Matt.”

  Matt tousled the boy’s head and chuckled, although it sounded strained. “You’ve got quite a kick, Remy. We just need to train you to use your power for good, not evil.” He shot Anna a questioning glance, as if confirming she was in fact there, then turned back to the kids. “But first we’re going to learn to dribble a ball around those orange cones I set up. Ethan, you stand behind one cone. Becca, you stand behind the other, and everyone else pick a line.” He followed the kids as they shuffled to line up.

  She watched her son run after the other blond boy—Ethan—but her gaze was drawn back to Matt like a magnet. He was just as good-looking as he’d been in college, maybe more so. He’d been built back then, but now he seemed even more ripped. She used to tease him about being a stereotypical construction worker since he looked so good when he took his shirt off. She found herself wondering what his chest would look like now.

  Anna shook her head. No. She had no right to think about Matt like that. Not after what she’d done to him. Still, she couldn’t help searching for a ring on his left hand.

  She couldn’t see his ring finger, but he had to be married. He’d always wanted a family. One of those kids on the team had to be his.

  She wasn’t proud of it, but she’d tried to Facebook stalk him multiple times over the years. He either rarely posted or his posts were all set to friends only. She’d never had the guts to send him a friend request, and stalking his two best friends’ posts had yielded even less information.

  Matt turned to the side, but his arms were crossed over his chest, his hands tucked
under his arms. Why was she even looking? It wasn’t like anything would come from him being single. He hated her and he had every right. How long had she hated herself for hurting him the way she had?

  Her heart lightened when she saw Toby smile—a genuine, full-of-happiness smile. He’d always been such a happy child, the one true bright spot in her life, but his light had dimmed after the move to Blue Springs. Not that she could blame him—she’d taken him from the heart of London, his private school, and his part-time nanny, and brought him to the Midwest to live with his cranky grandfather in the small house she’d grown up in. Talk about culture shock.

  But his new friend had helped him with the transition. Ethan made her son happy, but she wondered if it was too late to switch to another coach? Was it fair to Toby if she moved him? Was it fair to Matt if she didn’t?

  Calm down. He’s married and over it by now.

  Obviously, he was probably still angry with her, but surely time had healed his wounds, not to mention his new family.

  Her wounds had gotten in the way of her relationships, even with Phillip. She’d never met anyone she could love as she’d loved Matt.

  No. Phillip’s philandering had ruined them soon after Toby was born, but now she wondered if Phillip had realized she held part of herself back. Was that why he had strayed?

  Still, she wondered what would have happened if she’d answered Matt differently that day, if she’d followed him back to Kansas City and built the life he’d so desperately craved. But twenty-one-year-old Anna Fischer was a different person than thirty-three-year-old Annaliese Robins, and she liked who she was now. Despite the pain and heartache she’d suffered, she was a strong, confident woman who loved her career and loved her child. She was successful and respected by her colleagues, adored by her son.

  But sometimes it wasn’t enough.

  Seeing Matt now was a reminder of what she could have given her son. What she could have given herself.

  Wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, she scanned the team, trying to figure out which child belonged to Matt. The way he handled the kids proved that he was an awesome dad, not that she was surprised. He’d always been filled with infinite patience. It was his quiet strength that had drawn her to him back in college. He had been this tall, well-built, sexy guy, sure of himself without being cocky. Like he knew who he was and made no apologies for it, but didn’t need to broadcast it either. Her roommates had thought she was the luckiest girl in the world, and she’d agreed, even if something hadn’t felt quite right.

  There was no doubt his confidence had drawn her in like a moth to a flame. She had been inspired by his certainty about what he wanted for his life, partly because she had been so uncertain about her own.

  Toby caught her attention and gave her a tiny wave as a smile lit up his face. She gave him a small wave back. For the first time in over a month, he was happy. There was no way she’d take this from him. She’d find a way to make it work.

  “Does your son have an accent?” a woman asked, shaking Anna out of her thoughts.

  “Yes,” she said, turning toward her. She was a twenty-something mother, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and an oversized cardigan. Her dark hair was in a ponytail. Waves of condescension rolled off her as she curled her lip at Anna’s heels. Anna knew they were out of place, but in her defense, she hadn’t planned on her business lunch with her boss lasting four hours. He’d flown to Kansas City to see a client and insisted Anna meet him for a long lunch. Not that it had done much good. But she’d worry about that later. “British.”

  “You don’t have one,” the woman said. “Are you his mother?”

  “Hi,” another woman said, quickly approaching her. “I’m Phyllis and my daughter is Becca. The one with two braids. Welcome to the Tigers.”

  The woman gave off a laid-back vibe, and Anna instantly relaxed. “I’m Annaliese, but call me Anna. And I’m sure you’ve all figured out that my son is Toby.”

  “Ethan’s friend. He was worried that Toby hadn’t shown up yet,” Phyllis said.

  Anna took a half second to scan for a dig at her tardiness, but the smile on Phyllis’s face seemed genuine. She gave her a tentative smile in return. “I came from downtown. The traffic was a nightmare. Toby would have killed me if he’d missed practice. He’s been looking forward to it all week.”

  “Is Toby your only child?” Something in her tone set Anna on edge, but Phyllis grinned. “Sorry. No offense meant. Becca is my fourth child.”

  “Four?” Anna asked in wonder. “I can hardly handle one.” Judging from the disapproval that immediately washed over Ponytail Mom’s face, it wouldn’t be a good idea to admit that she’d had the help of a nanny in London.

  Phyllis laughed. “Trust me. You get more adept at juggling them, along with their activities and everything else, with each new kid.” She gave Anna a conspiratorial grin. “Just don’t drop over at my house unexpectedly. I usually need forty-eight hours’ notice.”

  Anna laughed. “Duly noted.” If the other mothers were like Ponytail Mom, at least she had one ally on this team.

  “I take it you moved back from the UK,” Phyllis said, and the other mothers cast their attention toward the conversation with interest.

  Anna hesitated. She’d never been good at small talk, but something told her she needed to study up now that she was back home.

  “My widowed father got sick and needed help, so I’ve moved back for a few months to help him convalesce.”

  “Then you’re going back?” another mother asked. “What part of the UK are you from?”

  She ignored the first question. “London.”

  “That must be so exciting!” a blond woman said with a sigh. “I’d kill to visit London, much less live there.”

  “Well,” Anna said with a cautious grin. “It definitely has its drawbacks. It’s expensive and crowded and the weather is dreary. It’s not for everyone.”

  “Oh!” the woman said excitedly. “I heard a bit of an accent when you said ‘dreary.’”

  Anna forced a smile. She’d gotten this in reverse when she’d first moved to London twelve years ago. Her American accent had made her a novelty and, strangely enough, had seemed to give her an edge over her British female counterparts. But now poor Toby was constantly confronted with people who were fascinated with his accent. Since he was shy and hated attention, he’d started talking less and less in public.

  “What do you do there?” asked the one lone father, standing at the back to the group. “Are you a model?”

  Every woman turned to glare at him.

  “What?” he asked with his hands flung wide. “She looks like a model.”

  Anna wasn’t impressed. The guy was most likely married. “No. I’m something far less exotic. I’m in international finance.”

  “So you’re a bank teller,” Ponytail Mom said, making “bank teller” sound synonymous with “homeless person.”

  “Not really,” Anna said. “It’s a little more involved than that.”

  “So if you’re moving back,” Ponytail Mom continued, “will you finish out the soccer season?”

  “I’m not sure,” Anna admitted. There were a lot of uncertainties in her life at the moment.

  She put her hands on her hips. “I see.”

  Anna suspected Ponytail Mom was looking for a reason to be disagreeable.

  “Calm down, Tina,” Phyllis snorted. “This is peewee soccer, and they play three kids at a time. If Toby leaves the season early, your Billy will get more time on the field.” Then she winked at Anna.

  Anna decided that Phyllis was her new favorite person.

  Turning to the other women, Phyllis said, “I still have two gaps on the snack schedule.” She glanced back at Anna. “And one of them is for the second game.”

  The hint was obvious. “I’ll take it.”

  Tina scowled. “I’m not sure how they do things in London, but we prefer healthy snacks. Organic and gluten free is preferable and nothing with pea
nut butter.”

  Anna gave her a pointed stare. “While this is Toby’s first organized sport, we’ve heard of healthy snacks. It shouldn’t be a problem.” She paused and tapped her chin. “You do have blood pudding here, don’t you? I’m certain it’s gluten free.”

  Tina’s eyes filled with horror, but Phyllis burst out laughing. The other mothers hesitated and then laughed, too, which only seemed to irritate Tina more.

  “I’ll take the other game,” the blond woman said.

  “Perfect, Lisa,” Phyllis said, marking down her name. “We’re all covered now.”

  When Anna returned her attention to the kids, Toby was trying to kick a ball around several orange cones while his friend Ethan cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “You can do it, Toby.”

  Matt stood to the side, watching Toby and another girl weaving in and out of the cones. His gaze rose to hers and Anna couldn’t ignore the zap of awareness that shot through her. But his gaze was perfectly emotionless. She had no idea what he was thinking, but if she were to guess, he was probably trying to figure out the best way to get rid of her.

  Maybe she shouldn’t have signed up for the snack schedule.

  She spent the next forty-five minutes answering the other women’s questions about her life and where she’d gone to school. It turned out that she’d graduated high school with Phyllis’s younger sister. As she talked to the mothers, she tried to determine if one of them could be Matt’s wife. Matt had given Billy some extra attention after he’d done well with the cones. But if he was Matt’s son, that meant Matt was married to Ponytail Mom. He wouldn’t marry her, would he? She couldn’t see him with someone like her. But she had married Phillip, so who was she to judge? Finally, she couldn’t deal with the uncertainty and decided to be bold and ask, “Which child belongs to the coach?”

  “Ethan,” Phyllis said. “Matt’s Ethan’s uncle.”

  Anna tried to hide her surprise.

  Phyllis leaned in closer and whispered, “Matt’s single, but he coaches Ethan’s sports teams.”